Paradise
by SilverShadowKitsune
Summary: Winona Kirk tries to deal with life after the death of her husband, doing her best to raise her children. Nothing seems to be going right, and all she wants is the paradise she once had.


Winona Kirk Paradise

As Winona Kirk looked at the bundle in her arms, she couldn t help but stifle a sob. Golden hair, barely curling up from smooth skin, bright blue eyes staring back at her, small fingers reaching for her. These were all things that should have brought her joy, or at least a measure of piece. Instead, all they brought has the agony of what had been lost to her.

_Once upon a year gone by_

_ She saw herself give in _

_Every time she closed her eyes _

_She saw what could have been_

A year ago, she remembered, George had rested his head on her stomach to speak to the small life growing inside of her. He spoke of how loved this new life would be, how they would grow into a great person, and learn and be wonderful. She had smiled at his words and allowed herself to be lulled to sleep by his presence, hoping for the same things for their unborn child.

Quickly but gently, she laid little Jimmy down in his cradle, a softly whispered song putting him to sleep. The haunting melody fell from her lips, the words not important in this instance, but the very meaning chased through her thoughts. How her life had fallen when George had died .

_But nothing hurts and _

_Nothing bleeds when_

_ Covers tucked in tight _

_Funny when the bottom drops _

_How she forgets to fight _

_To fight_

Retreating to her room, she threw herself upon the bed and cried. Cried for what had happened, what might have been, and what currently was. Winona knew she could never look at Jimmy the way she did at Sam. She couldn't even call her elder son by his true name anymore!

Exhausted by her tears and emotions, she curled herself under the blankets haphazardly. Burying her face into her pillow, she inhaled and tried to fall asleep. Then she reached over to grab the other pillow. George's pillow. This time the scent was right, and she drifted off to sleep.

_And it's one more day in paradise _

_One more day in paradise_

She dreamed that the horrible ship called the _Narada_ had never appeared before the Kelvin. She dreamed that Captain Robau didn't leave the ship, and that George was at his station when she called to say the baby was coming. She dreamed that he rushed through the ship to her side to support her as she was racked by contractions, and was there to cut the cord for their second child.

When she awoke, her brain was still fogged by sleep, no difference between reality and what her brain had conjured. She opened her eyes to smile at her wonderful husband. And then she saw the small trophy on the bed side table, which George s name on it, and the day he died stamped on it. Truth came rushing back into her brain, and almost wringed a sob out of her again.

_As darkness quickly steals the light that _

_Shined within her eyes _

_She slowly swallows all her fears and _

_Soothes her mind with lies _

_Well all she wants and all she needs are _

_Reasons to survive _

_A day in which the sun will take her _

_Artificial light, her light_

And then she heard the cry of her baby, her Jim, and knew she couldn't just lay there. Her baby needed her, at least until he could support himself. _Once he's grown_, she promised herself,_ I can fall apart. I have to keep it together until he s old enough. For now he still needs me._ A little voice in the back of her head countered, _You can't even keep it together in your dreams; how can you honestly support him? _She ruthlessly squashed it as she entered the baby s room and picked him up.

"Hi Jimmy. What's wrong? I'm right here; there's no need to worry." She quickly checked him and addressed his needs, and walked with him downstairs to take care of her own needs.

George... no, _Sam_ was sitting at the table, attempting to get the milk out of the refrigerator by himself. His small form, chubby but quickly growing, was still too short to properly grab the handle, and the tip of his tongue was poking out of his mouth as he concentrated.

"Sammy, what are you doing?" Winona questioned as she placed Jimmy in the special support that gave him a good view of the room and its inhabitants." You could have gotten me to help you, dear."

Sam finally stopped his efforts to look at his mom. "You were sleeping, Mommy, and I know the baby made you tired last night. I m a big boy; I can do things by myself." He then returned his efforts to the milk, straining on tiptoes for his goal.

With a smile on her lips, she lifted the milk from the fridge and placed in on the table. "It's okay to ask for help, Sammy. I ask for help sometimes too. Now, what type of cereal do you want today?"

_And it s one more day in paradise _

_One more day in paradise_

_ One more day in paradise _

_One last chance to feel all right all right_

As her children continued to grow, Winona felt that despite her efforts, she was losing them. Jimmy was just so smart, just like George had been. Sam tried clinging to the few memories he had of his father, even when she was remarried. But Jim was becoming so much like George, she had to find some way to escape the memories. So she went to the stars, as she had once before with the love of her life.

_They ll be all right_, she convinced herself. _They have Frank to help them, and I raised them as best as I could. They ll be fine without me._

But then she received messages from Frank that scared her. Sam acting up and being defiant. And after Sam ran away, Jimmy running the old car over a cliff, and almost going with it. And then Jim was acting just like Sam had prior to his departure.

So she sent Jim to tarsus IV, hoping he could find the comfort of a new world to soothe his mind. Her sister would be the mother Winona could never be for her youngest. And for a time, all seemed well. She was receiving messages that ended on light notes, and Jim was proving to be even smarter than his father. For once, she felt she had made the right decision for her younger son.

And then came news of the plague. The lack of food, the deaths. Kodos proclaiming martial law, and deciding who would live and who would die, and her Jimmy was on the kill list. As soon as Starfleet let her, she got transport to the colony, and finally found her lost child.

He was thinner than any child she had ever seen, and a new edge glinted in his eyes. At first, he couldn t talk to her, due to the tubes keeping his condition stable. The officers told her of the group of children he had gathered and defended and provided for, all on his own. As she squeezed his thin hand in the Sick Bay, she couldn t help the tears forming in her eyes.

_Don t pretend to hold it in_

_ Just let it out_

_ Don t pretend to hold it in _

_Just push it out _

_Don t pretend to hold it in _

_Just let it out _

_Don t you try to hold it in_

_ You hold it in_

"Oh, Jimmy, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for all of this." She managed to sob as she clutched his frail arm to her chest. All he could do in response was cock his head in query, just like George had. She sobbed again.

"Oh Jimmy. You re so much like your father that I couldn t face it when you were younger. And then Sam left and you were falling apart, I could tell from Frank's messages. So I thought your aunt could finally do what I couldn t for you. And then this all happened. I'm so sorry, Jimmy, can you ever forgive me?"

He was still for a time, his eyes locked onto hers. Then he pulled his arm free from her grasp and mimed writing in the air. Quickly, she grabbed a PADD and stylus, holding them out to her child. He picked up the stylus and started writing faster than she could ever imagine someone in his condition could. When he put the stylus down, she turned the screen to face her, and read what he had written.

_I was mad at you when you left, and when Sam left. And I was mad when you sent me there, but I got over that after a while. And I realized something when I was down there. I know I m like Dad, because I had to help the others. I couldn t make sure I would survive without making sure as many others could. I kinda thought I was going to die down there. So can you forgive me for almost throwing away Dad s gift, even though it was for the others?_

Winona sobbed again as she embraced his battered form as tightly as she could. That was something just like George to say, just like his son to say. "Oh Jimmy, I love you so much. I'm sorry I couldn't do more for you. I love you so much." A frail arm rose to embrace her neck, and she felt tears slowly reach her scalp, and knew she could finally start a true relationship with her son.

_And it s one more day in paradise _

_One more day in paradise_

Eventually, Jim's body filled back out, and he was free to go. They returned to Iowa and for a time, things were good. But even with all that had happened to him in his short life, Iowa was too small for James Tiberius Kirk. Just as it had been for George Samuel Kirk and George Samuel Kirk Jr. And Winona slowly began to acknowledge that fact, since it was part of her blood as well.

_Once upon a year gone by _

_She saw herself give in _

_Every time she closed her eyes_

_ She saw what could have been_

Yet in the back of her mind, she wondered what could have happened if so many things had been different. If Jim hadn't driven the car off the cliff and roused Frank's ire. If she hadn't decided to send him to Tarsus. If Jim hadn t decided to embrace what his father had to save the others that he could.

Then she saw where those thoughts led, and quickly released them. The possibilities were too dark, too frightful, so she let them go. Things were fine for now, and she had her son back. Things were good, and would improve once she could find Sam. And with Jim's help, how could they not find his wayward brother?


End file.
